Archive, 1st Half of 2009

06/10/2009:
Today, Joanna and I took care of what I hope to be the last bit of immigration business for awhile. A couple of months ago, we submitted the necessary paperwork to have her status changed from "conditional resident" to "permanent resident". Today, we traveled down to Hartford, to the USCIS center there, so she could provide her biometric information, including fingerprints. With that done, now it is back to more waiting, as we wait for word that her request has (hopefully) been approved. When her status changes to "permanent resident", it will be another 10 years before she has to renew, and that will be a relief.

I took the day off from work, so we could take care of the immigration stuff. Now, the rest of the day is open for me. I already got the girls out to play and did up the dishes; I believe I am now completely free :) I plan to play some games and relax on this day off. The weather is overcast, and threatening rain, so I think inside activities are called for. I am hoping for a nice weekend, though; I would like to get some yard work done, including mowing the lawn and weeding out some of our flowerbeds.


06/05/2009:
The last two weeks have felt extraordinarily long and dragging (not including the weekend). Work has been crazily busy, all day, every day. If I go in feeling awake, I come home quite tired; if I go in tired, I come home feeling like a space cadet, my mind drifting free of any coherent thought or reason. I try to exercise each night; sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. If I am too tired, I just sack out and try to relax before bed. I have been at least doing my stretching 3+ times per week. It's not cardiovascular...but it helps me stay flexible, and helps relax my muscles. If I don't stretch or anything for a few days, my tension level goes up fairly dramatically, so it is important that I do it, even if I just barely feel like it.

So...I joined Facebook. Again. More of my friends seem to be using it now, so I am going to give it another shot. I don't make much time for social sites, but it might be cool to catch up with some people I haven't talked to in awhile. A friend pointed out that it is a good place for pictures, too, which might motivate me to post some. Or at least look at those others have posted. We'll see what happens. I expect developments on my profile and such to be slow, but I suppose there is no rush.

I felt particularly stressed out today, especially in the last two hours or so at work. We were bombarded with work all day, both calls and AD/Share administration, and then after five, we were bombarded with calls, so I didn't have any time to do other work (I can sometimes get some extra administration stuff done after 5:00). Oh well; I suppose it'll have to wait until next week, which I can hope will be less busy, but I doubt it. One bit of good news that I found out last week: management is looking to pilot a telecommuter program, and I have been chosen as a participant. I don't have much information yet, but I know it will be a minimum of 3 days per week working from home, and the company will pay for all my equipment: laptop, internet service, phone service, telephone, and even an office chair. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes of it; my commute can be a real killer sometimes; even though I miss the rush hour traffic each day, it is still a 40-minute drive each way, which gets quite tiring by the end of the week. Plus it uses gas and adds to the wear on my car. I would save time and some money if I was able to telecommute once in awhile. We'll see what happens and how it goes.

I have been losing interest in Requiem lately. At higher levels (63+, I'll say), advancement comes very slowly. I suppose it is the same with most MMO's...but the endless grinding gets to me after awhile. Plus, I really only have a couple of hours a night to play, which makes my leveling feel endless sometimes. I have started a few low-level characters, so I play them when I get tired of playing the higher-level ones... It helps. I also have other games that I want to play, so it becomes a matter of choice. I still need to finish S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky. I have just barely started Bioshock. And I also started playing Mario Galaxy on the Wii again. I'm determined to finish it this time; I have already advanced beyond where I was last time (about 1/2 way through, I think), and it is damn fun to play. And I still like running a few rounds of Unreal Tournament 3 each week, too. So..yeah. All that adds up to probably less Requiem in the coming months. So many games, so little time...


05/18/2009:
Last time, I was posting about it being unseasonably hot. Now it feels unseasonably cool. Mid-May, and it's in the 50s. New England spring... *sigh*

My connections with the Astral and the Dream Realms have been much stronger in the last few weeks. Usually, I would post happenings in the Realms in the Happenings section of the main page, but I don't have much to post there right now; most of this is about me, my observations, and the things going on which have impacted (or will impact) those closest to me. The Happenings section is for events occurring on a large scale; what I have been going through is related to those happenings, but at this time what I have to write about most is me and my own (kin, friends). Events are in motion, there is no doubt. All I have talked to agree: we are moving towards something, some event, some emergence onto another page of our history. One could argue that is happening on a daily basis, but this is something larger than the mere day to day occurrences.

Even as I seek to awaken those who have slumbered too long, I find myself being further awakened to my connections, and my knowledge of those closest to me. Several times in the past week, I have realized some bit of information, something that should have been so obvious, but I just didn't see it. I think maybe part of me didn't want to see it, because it indicates those closest to me could be in danger, especially those who have not been awakened. And so I reach out to awaken them, but the catch is I still need to have care. The way I was awakened is not acceptable for me to pass on; I will not throw my closest friends into the cold water and command them to swim. Even if it takes me longer, it is better, in spite of the general consensus of those most awake that we are running out of time. I have been advised that I, myself, am ready, and I accept that. The words came from one close to me, and her insight into these things is strong. Even as I speak, I am reminded that recently one of us was demoted, but it was necessary. She did not truly lose anything, even if she feels she did. When she succeeds in her current trial, she will be stronger and more in control than she has been in a very long time. And we will need that strength and control in the coming times of change.

My work day is done. I will write more on this soon.


04/28/2009:
It is damn hot outside. 90+ degrees on a late April day? Ridiculous. Supposed to be back down in the 60s - 70s tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I expect this kind of weather in the summer, but not in the spring. Hopefully this doesn't mean our summer is going to be scorching.

Have had a good couple of weekends. Two weekends ago, I took Friday and Monday off, so I could have a 4-day weekend. I needed the time off from work, so I took it (planned several weeks in advance). I went for a hike on Friday with Sean, Mckenzie, Rob, and Brittany. We hiked some of the Mt. Tom trails. The weather was beautiful; a perfect hiking day. After hiking, I returned home and did some yard work. Saturday and Sunday was intemixed with yard work, relaxing, and games. Monday, it was rainy and cool, so Joanna and I did some errands. I got her car out and got it running. It needs a new battery; it can be jump-started and runs well for a day, but if it sits for a day or two without running, it needs to be jumped again. Other than that, eveything appears to be fine with it. Yay.

Last weekend was hot, but we were able to get some things done outside. I finished picking up most of the fallen leaves and sticks, and mowed the front lawn. It was getting pretty hot by the time I finished that, so I decided the back lawn can grow in for another couple of weeks before it gets mowed. It's not terribly long yet, anyway. Joanna planted some flowers along the fence, and herbs in our little herb basket on Saturday. We do like fresh herbs :) She got some vegetables planted yesterday, as well. Hopefully they grow well :) We had company Saturday night. We couldn't get enough people to play D&D, but had some friends over for other games and general hanging out time. It was very enjoyable, and I look forward to the next time we can gather.

I have been very..thinky these last couple of weeks. Pondering my existence, the state of my immortal soul, my place in this world and the astral, the strands of web that bind us together, some strands like steel cables, others no larger than a thread. No particular subject or specific focus of my thoughts. Just...pondering, though I desire further understanding of it all. It will come, in time, through meditation, conversation, exploration, dreams, travel... My thoughts this week have been of simpler times, when I was younger and more free to explore in my mind, less weighed down by adult concerns and fears. I seek to drop these weights, so I may fly; cut the cords that bind me to the ground, spread my wings, soar. I think the summer weather we have been having has helped to bring these thoughts and memories forth. I am hoping I can put some of them to action, allow myself to be more worry-free. It is just so difficult for me.


04/06/2009:
My anger has receded, and my sleep is improving. I didn't sleep enough last night, but what I got was good, even though my dreams were very vivid and lively. I will try for an earlier sleep tonight. My weekend was pretty good. Got our taxes mostly done on Saturday. Need to go back Wednesday night to get them finished up; I was missing a few documents I didn't know I needed. I am going to owe MA state, but will have enough CT and Federal return to cover it, with a decent amount left over. The person who is preparing our taxes is very knowledgeable, and he advised me of the best way to fix this issue I have of paying MA every year. I have been advised before, but he explained it very well, so I could actually understand what I need to do, instead of guessing on how best to go about it. Which reminds me that I need to contact my employer about that.

After taxes, we gathered people together to play D&D (Pete's campaign). It was..ok. It was good to see everyone, and we had a lot of fun with our character interactions. We had a little bit of combat, which was decent, but after that it was mostly us trying to generate plot, while deftly avoiding the plot the DM had created for us (not specifically on purpose, but it seems that is how it turned out).

Joanna and I spent Sunday at home, doing stuff around the house. I got outside and cleaned up the front yard and around the side, between the fence and garage. Filled 2 barrels and 2 bags with leaves and sticks. Still have quite a few down in the back yard. I'm looking forward to the next non-rainy weekend day, so I can get out back and work on cleaning that up. I enjoy yard-work. It is often good exercise, and the outside air is nice. I am glad to have a yard to work in, even though it is often quite a bit of work, even maintaining what we have :)

I am sometimes annoyingly accident-prone. After finishing up the yardwork yesterday, I decided to help out by doing some dishes. Joanna does them during the week, so I like to do some on the weekends. I had only washed some silverware and a couple of plates before I sliced my thumb open on the sharp end of a tin can top. It sliced along the top of my thumbnail, under the skin, and a little down the side. It bled profusely and thereby prevented me from finishing the dishes. I had to sit on the couch for awhile with pressure on it to slow the bleeding, then apply 2 bandaids - 1 to keep pressure on, the other to soak up the little pricks of blood soaking through the other one. *sigh* So now I'll probably have to wear a bandaid for most of the week. Not only am I accident-prone, I also tend to heal slowly.

Page Updates:
- updated dragon-rider.us main page (Happenings section).


03/27/2009:
This week started out quite sleepless, as last week, but thankfully it didn't go on as long. I didn't sleep well Sunday or Monday night, but Tuesday I slept very well. So well, in fact, that when my alarm went off Wednesday morning, I turned it off without noticing. I remember waking at 7 and looking at the clock, thinking "ok, I have about an hour". Then I went back to sleep, and woke up at 8:30, more than half an hour after I usually get out of bed. "Great", I think, "late for work already". So I rose, showered, readied myself quickly and left...and somehow made it to work on time. Nice to know I can, but I prefer to be able to take my time in the morning and not be rushed. I'm a rush-er by nature as it is; I need to actively take it slow. Noticing this and reminding myself to take it slow can also help with my general anxiety, I think. I try to notice this and slow down whenever possible.

I have been harboring anger these past couple of weeks. I'm sure it is related to my sleeplessness. Anger and frustration. I am not, or have not in the past, been an angry person, and I don't like feeling that way. I don't know how to express it. I get all out of sorts, get upset, cry, punch pillows or cardboard boxes...and in the end I just feel ashamed and usually not immediately better. I feel better as time goes on, but it only takes a little thing to set me off again. I think these are leftover feelings from an event that occurred in the past; something my subconscious isn't letting go of as easily as my consciousness has. I am not sure what to do to "fix" it. My continued meditation and exercise is all I know how to do, so that is what I will continue to do. I am hoping, as I shed my stress, that I can bring this other thing to the surface, face it, be done with it, and move on. I know I have the capacity for anger; I have felt it in the past, often under what I consider proper circumstances. I am unhappy when it comes to the surface for little things; things I used to just brush by and move on. I need to move on, and this is holding me back. ...further evidenced by my inability to end this paragraph. *sigh*


03/20/2009:
It hasn't been a good week for sleeping. I got to bed late Sunday night, and didn't sleep well. I didn't sleep well Monday or Tuesday night either. Joanna convinced me Wednesday night to try a natural sleeping aid she has been using, so I did. My stomach felt ill for awhile after taking it, but I think that was just the exhaustion, not the pill. It did allow me to sleep through the night, dreamless and without waking, which was a huge improvement over the previous 3 nights. Last night, I didn't take the aid, and still slept well, though my dreams were again active. I have not been remembering my dreams. Everything is cloudy, faded, or just plain shredded. I remember little bits, but nothing coherent.

I have been anxious and stressed lately. Most of it is free-floating. I know I have stress from work, but work cannot account for all of it. I still feel I am drifting on a spiritual level. I haven't found my door or even my window yet. I am headed to VT this weekend. Maybe the clear country air will clear my head a bit. I can hope.


03/11/2009:
Joanna came back from her vacation on Feb 23, and I have been happier since she is back. It was good for both of us, her on vacation, but it was too long, I think. We were both fairly stressed during the last weekend before she came back. I lost pretty much all my motivation during that time. I played a lot of games, and didn't get much done. Thankfully, I got a lot done during the previous weekend...so I could still allow myself to feel accomplished. It's very important to me that I feel accomplished.

Speaking of which... I have been feeling a bit lost and empty the last few days. I feel without a sense of purpose. I work, I come home, I play games, I go to bed, I sleep (often poorly lately), I go to work...repeat. The weekends break the cycle, since I don't need to work, and I get to spend more time with Joanna, which I find relaxing and fun, but it's over too quickly, and then I am back to the cycle again. There's meaning out there. Lots of it. Just need to find it intertwined in the cycle, experience it, learn from it. I will find a door, or at least a window, from which to view that which I seek.


02/15/2009:
More than a month since an update. Damn. Time seems to just flow and fly by lately, and before I know it, it's a month later, and I can't remember what happened during all that time, a month ago or sometimes even a week ago. I have felt lately that my mind is not what it used to be. I tend to zone out, and am slower to come back... but that is only sometimes. Other times, I feel spot-on and ready for something challenging. I think my general weariness lately is a large factor in my mental fog. Work has been tiring, and I have had trouble getting to bed at a decent hour. I always seem to find "one more thing to do", and before I know it, another 15 or 20 minutes have slipped by, and I'm still not ready for bed yet. I have been trying to get done with my games and other computer stuff at a decent hour, so all the "other things" don't eat into my precious sleep time as much. So far, it hasn't worked out very well. I suppose when I get truly tired of being tired, I'll adjust my schedule to better fit what I really need. I can only assume more sleep is what I need...or at least more just plain "relax" time. Games are relaxing, to a degree, but I need to make more "quiet time" for myself, to just sit and read, or write, or just think and relax and let my stresses go.

I have been better at doing my stretches daily lately, and my "stress relief" regiment, but I need to supplement it with other time, other things. I'll get there. It's a work in progress, this self improvement... At least I don't feel like I have gone backwards. I feel that I am making progress, that I am in general less stressed than I have been in the past. Or maybe I am just repressing it more lately... but I hope I am releasing some of it, or just not letting it settle on me at all. I have felt better, physically, over the past couple of years, than I have in many years proceeding them. I like to think that is a sign of me feeling better on other levels as well.

Joanna is currently gone on vacation, out near St. Louis, visiting a good friend. She left last Monday. I was quite stressed about the idea of her leaving, for quite awhile. She knew I would be, so told me of her plans to go several months in advance. As she knew I would, I got more used to the idea, and even started to look forward to it a bit. For her, to go away from here for awhile, get out of the area, see a different place, and have a good time. For me, to have time alone here at home. I realized that since we moved into the house, I have not had a whole day here to myself, let alone a night or several nights. Now I have had several days and many nights. I have enjoyed my time alone. I have gotten a lot done, and have also relaxed. I admit it is starting to lose its novelty, being alone here. I miss Joanna terribly, and have come to realize even more strongly how much she lights up my life and really makes this place not just a house but a home, with her energy, her work, and her very fine cooking skills :) So I'm ready now, for her to come home. And I still have a week to go. But I still have things to do that I want to get done before she comes home, and I will get to do them. But how I desire her here at my side, next to me, in my arms, holding me tight as I hold her the same.


01/09/2009:
Work continues to be very busy, and stressful. So much so that I ended up taking an unexpected day off from work today. I had hoped my first use of PTO for the year would not be a sick day, but there we have it. I am not going to stress over it; no reason or need. Truthfully, I'm surprised it took as long as it did to exhaust me into illness. I woke up feeling very spacey and exhausted, and knew that to drive to work in that condition, let alone actually work, would be a terrible idea, so I called out, went back to bed, and slept for another 4 hours. I woke feeling better, but I am still tired. Joanna and I did get out and get some errands done today, which was nice. It will mean less we have to go out and do over the weekend, and hopefully it will be a more restful and relaxing weekend.

My exhaustion this morning was brought on by a lack of good sleep for the week, culminating with last night's attempt at rest. I slept well from 11 until 2 or so, but thereafter, it was not good. I woke at 2, and did not get back to sleep until nearly 3. Sometime after that, I experienced something that I believe was "sleep paralysis". This is a condition I have heard about before, but never studied or experienced. I could not tell if I was awake, or just having a horrible nightmare. Either way, I could feel my arms, legs, and the rest of my body, but I could not move any limbs, nor could I open my mouth to cry out. It was a terrible, terrifying experience that I hope is never repeated. I felt trapped and more helpless than I ever have before. I have had nightmares before that have had me wake in tears; this experience just left me stunned, not knowing what to think or feel after the episode.

As noted, my week at work has been stressful. Outside of work, at home this week, I have been working on building and setting up my new computer. Joanna gave me a processor (Intel dual core 2.53 GHz) for Christmas, and after Christmas, I ordered the parts to build a computer around this heart that was such a loving gift. I received all the parts from Newegg on Monday, and set to work building it, using an existing case. My previous main machine still resides in its own case; I opted not to remove it, and instead am using a the case I originally purchased to house my Linux box, but which is now making me very happy by housing my primary desktop machine. I had forgotten how long it takes to build and set up a complete machine; it has been over 5 years since I have done it. The build went well, with only a little swearing (swearing is required, at least a bit, for all computer projects, I think). I had it physically assembled, with Windows XP installed, by the time I went to bed on Monday night. The rest of the week has been configuring Windows, installing apps and games, and copying over the data from my other machine. The task is pretty much completed now. There are still some games that need to be installed, but most of my apps are installed and running, and all data from my other machine has been copied over to the new one. The previous machine will remain as it is, for now, as a backup gaming machine for visitors, until I decide what else I might want to do with it. It will also be handy to take away for LAN parties, on the occasion that I attend one, as it already has all the games we usually play installed, and I won't need to dismantle or move my main machine to take to the event :)

I have been feeling increasingly linked to the astral and dream realms, and to my contacts there, during the past week or two. I feel an increased sense of purpose, but still lack a direction to focus on. I wish to meditate further on the subject, to determine what I should be doing. I am enjoying the feeling, the mystery, but wish for knowledge as well. It will come; I know it will. In the meantime, I am reaching out to those contacts I have here, feeling them out, learning what they have to teach, further preparing for that which comes in the future, for that which we have been preparing, for a very long time.

Page Updates:
- updated dragon-rider.us main page (Happenings section).
- archived Happenings entries from 2003, 2004, and 2005.