6/30/2003:

Had a good weekend down in Poughkeepsie, hanging with Wills, Zack, and Yaco. Went out to a strip club on Friday night for a couple hours. I had been to the place before, about 3 years ago. It hadn't changed much. Still small, with a small crowd and a small number of strippers. 2 of the girls were pretty cute, and it was good to go there, relax, and spend some $$$ ;p

Other than that, the weekend was pretty uneventful. Played a good amount of Smash Brothers Melee on the 'cube, played some Magic with some of Wills' old decks, watched some TV and a movie. Just a nice, relaxing, no-worries weekend. I certainly cannot complain ;)

Page Updates:
- Updated the Link of the Now
- Archived last year's Daily Grind entries, for faster page load and easier management.
(Archives can be found at the bottom of this page)
- dragon-rider.us -> added more information to main page. Coming along good.

6/29/2003:

Page Updates:
- Changed wording on sidebar.
- Changed Who Am I? page, because the old one has been up for far too long.
- Redesigned (slightly) the look of dragon-rider.us main page.

6/27/2003:
Well, that was a happy little stint of no internet. Tech came out today and fixed the problem in short order. Apparently, the cable outlet just up and died. Modem is fine, coax is fine. Works for me. I like my little Surfboard.

Meditated again last night before bed. Good habit to get into. Lets me sleep easier, though I still cannot remember much of my dreams, which bothers me. I will explore in the days to come, see if I can remember more.

Suppose I should get showered and ready to head out for the weekend. Hopefully my 'net will be ok now, and this page should be up perpetually. If it's not up, check the old site at dreamwater.com/shadowchaser for updates and explanations.

6/26/2003:
I cannot express how much I want to get out of here today. This week has been hellish, with lots of annoying and difficult calls. Plus, it's been nice and warm outside for the first time in weeks, and I've been stuck inside taking phonecalls instead of enjoying the weather, oppressive as it may be.

It's not just work, it's everything, it seems. I want to hang out with friends, but we all work different shifts, and it makes things very difficult. I get along with the people who work near my shift, but am not as interested in hanging out with them as I am with those I am already close friends with. I am living alone now, and I enjoy it, but sometimes it is terribly lonely. Lynx and I played last night, and I got to laugh. It helped immensely. I also meditated, on my own health and strength, that I might better protect and guard (and live). I felt more awake this morning than I have in a week, though my stomach is still bothering me. I cannot tell if it is anxiety for getting out of here soon and enjoying my weekend, or apprehension about spending another night alone, if I cannot get in touch with anyone to spend time with.

On top of that, my internet has been down since Tuesday. While that is not debilitating, it is annoying, because there are many that I can only connect with online, and I have been cut off from them for days. I will recover, no doubt, but the interrim is sometimes depressing. I say it gives me time to do other things, but I would do those other things anyway; it is just nice to have the internet available as a means of communication, research, and enjoyment.

I need to find more friends, but online is one of my only means of doing so right now. I don't mind going out, but I won't go alone, because it's boring and I'm shy. But then we return to the problem that all my closest friends here have different schedules than I do, and it is difficult to connect with them most of the time. Vicious circle. I suppose if I was around more on the weekends, I would be able to hang out more with my friends. Argh. I'm just bitching, and most of this will probably not have much relevance come tomorrow, but I'll post it anyway.

Female companionship is especially lacking, and I think that is one of the things that bothers me the most lately. I don't expect my female friends to spend all their time with me, no. They have lives that I am not a part of, and I respect that and adore them all the same. Just would be nice to have someone to spend more of my time with, is all. In time, I suppose, in time. That's what I tell myself, anyway. Have hope. Keep the faith. Believe...

6/23/2003:
It feels good to finally have my own domain. There are obviously some things that still need fixing (*grumbles at the URL*), but overall I am quite pleased. If things are running a bit slow, don't worry; it's most likely my hosting machine, not yours, and I plan on upgrading it within the next couple weeks. Oh! And if you look at the top of my site...no banners! Woot!

One of the things I forgot to mention in my last post was my new useful thing: my cell phone. I finally got one. I figured with all the travelling I do, it certainly would be a useful item to have. I am using Verizon service, and so far, I am very happy with the phone and the service.

In other good news, my roommate found her own place and finished moving out last wednesday, so it's just Lynx and I living at the apartment now. So far, so good. I spent most of the weekend doing a room-to-room cleaning and reorganizing of the place, and I think it looks pretty good so far. I still need to clean up some more, and pick up some more things when I have some extra $$, but it is definitely habitable, all the way through (if you don't mind sleeping on the floor ;)

Been working out more lately, too, practicing my stickfighting movements. Still enjoying it immensely, and it makes me actually look forward to working out :p

6/18/2003:
Stayed home last weekend. First time in awhile. Was nice. Hung out with Blackwatch on Friday night, chatted, watched the Stargate: SG-1 season premiere, which was pretty good. Nice relaxing night.

On Saturday, I went over to Bruce's house and learned some basic Filipino stickfighting techniques. Had a great time. 3 hours flew by in seemingly no time. Plus, now I have plenty of material I can use to practice at home. So I'm finally getting back into some martial arts styles, which I have been longing to do for quite some time. I am hoping to combine what I learned on saturday with my limited martial arts knowledge for a good overall workout that I can stick with (no pun intended) and enjoy for a long time to come.

Talked to my friend Amy P (not to be confused with Amy Z, another good friend, who lives in Colorado presently) last night. It has been probably 6 months since we last talked, and almost a year and a half since we've seen each other. I found she is doing really well, and that makes me happier than I can express here. She has a real "grown-up" job, where she gets to travel all over New England, and she sounded very happy. This makes me very happy. Also, I found out that her central office is about 10 minutes from my apartment, so hopefully I will get to see her sometime in the next few weeks :)

I don't like to put my faith in fate, but sometimes I can't help but think that things happen for a reason. Perhaps that we are meant to do certain things, perhaps to acheive certain goals, maybe part of a "destiny" of sorts, but there is nothing that forces our hand, and if we do not do these things, it is not the end of the world (most of the time). I only bring this up because last week, Amy came very close to changing her cell phone number, but for some reason she did not. If she had, I never would have reached her last night. And, as I said, this wouldn't have been the end of the world for either of us, but we both would have missed out on a very enjoyable conversation and the chance to bond with each other again.

In gaming news, I finished the single player game in RtCW last night, which was a good accomplishment. Not sure what I'm going to move onto now. I haven't picked up Deus Ex 2 yet, but if I end up staying home this weekend, I may do that. I heard it is supposed to rain all weekend, so it may not be a good weekend to go driving anywhere. Another weekend at home would probably do me good, anyway. Will see what life brings.

6/9/2003:
Travelled down to Long Island 2 weekends ago for a 3-day vacation. Attended Mike's graduation party, for which Cancelled put on an excellent show. Got to meet some cool new people, whom I will unfortunately not get to see again anytime soon. And, of course, got to hang out with a bunch of friends (except for Lex, who bailed on us because he had to work, bleh). Also played lots of Magic: The Gathering.

Last weekend, headed to Jen's for Michelle's birthday party, and got to hang with alot of the same people I spent the previous weekend with :) I cannot complain. I don't get to see enough of any of them. We went out to a club in New Haven on Friday night (I don't remember the name of the place), and I had a great time. I want to go down to visit and go out again soon if possible. The music and the energies of all the people dancing make me feel very alive. It is easy to lose myself once I get into it, and it is wonderful.

Just another 5 and 1/2 weeks or so until my big vacation, where I head to to Hamilton, Ontario to see my friend VP for 4 days or so. Then, it's off to Starwood 2003 for a week! I finally got in touch with Star last night, and she confirmed she is still going, which is great. Going to be a great experience for me. I'm even looking forward to the drive, though I'm sure that will fade after the first 4 hours or so of empty road (taking 90 all the way out). Still need to pick up a few things, like a tent, before I go, but I've already got my preregistration sent and have taken the days off, so now it's just some waiting :)

Found out a couple weeks ago that one of my coworkers is into training with different weapons and fighting styles, so as soon as I get a free weekend (maybe this coming weekend), I'm going to go train with him. Looking forward to it, as it is exercise I can really enjoy, and I definitely need to get said exercise. I get bored too quickly just lifting or using the crosstrainer. I need to be learning something, getting a sense of achievement (beyond getting more in shape), and martial arts/weapons training has always captured my attention like no other exercise can. Perhaps I will have some good notes about that after this weekend.

Finished playing through Enter the Matrix with Ghost a few nights ago. Good game. Now I need to go through it with Niobe. I have since gotten back into playing through the single player portion of RtCW, however, so Enter the Matrix may be waiting until I finish that. At that point, however, Deus Ex: Invisible War will probably be out, and Matrix will then take a backseat to that game. And thus my progression of unfinished games continues... I will probably never finish all of the ones I own, but at least I will always have games to play, worlds to conquer, and enemies to vanquish :)

5/21/2003:
I actually got to go out after work 2 nights ago. Jody and I went out to Boston Billiards and shot pool for an hour or so. Was nice to do something different, with someone different. Plus, she's cute, so I certainly cannot complain ;)

Picked up Enter the Matrix last night, and it is pretty damn sweet. The hand-to-hand combat is fast and furious, with multiple combat moves, so you don't have to beat people up the same way each time :) The bullet-time is nice, as well, and some moves can only be done while in bullet-time, such as the wall runs and wall flips. Plus, bullet trails are just cool. The only problem I have so far is the camera, which is free-ranging and sometimes obscures my character from view, but I haven't had too many problems with it, and it is not so bad that it makes me feel any worse about the game. I have encountered my first Agent, and got my ass kicked in by him several times before finally escaping. Definitely a cool game. I can't wait to play it some more tonight :)

In a sad bit of news, my parents' cat, Cricket, had to be put to sleep last week. She lived a long, good life (was 16 years old), filled with many wonderful hunts and catches. She will be missed dearly, and though I am one who misses her physical presence, I know she is enjoying her spirit life, spending long days hunting and playing in the Summerlands. I have a feeling she will visit VT again, if she is able. If not, she shall certainly live on in the hearts of all those that know her.

5/19/2003:
Attended Marist Graduation this past weekend. It was good. Got to see some good friends graduate. Also, saw a few people from my graduating class that I wasn't expecting to see, plus some other friends that it was nice to see and hang out with. Did manage to get a rather painful sunburn on my face and head, but I picked up some Aloe lotion when I got back on Saturday, and the burn has gone down considerably. I am headed to VT this weekend, and will definitely be bringing back a hat or 2 to prevent such burn in the future.

I am very irritated right now. I was content and awake when I came in, and now I just don't want to be here anymore. Just a couple more hours to go, thankfully, then I go home and maybe take a walk in the nice weather or something. Anything that involves not being at work would be a vast improvement. People are just asking questions that should not need to be asked today. Common sense, people...c'mon, I know you can do it.
Page Update: Updated Link of the Now

5/11/2003:
It is a day of quiet contemplation.

Had a great weekend up in NH with Jeff. Got to meet a bunch of his friends during the weekend, and all of them were really nice. I wish I could have stayed up there last night and hung out with them more, but, alas, had to come to work today. There will be another weekend to spend time with Jeff and his friends. Though I will say that leaving hurt me. I left a piece of myself behind with them, for them to enjoy, and to hold them until I can come up again. I cannot wait to return and join the rest of me...

Jeff and I had some really really good conversations while I was visiting with him; very deep rooted, emotionally powerful conversations. The kind that you wish would go on and on because they are just that good. We connected, and we gave voice to each other's thoughts in the way that only close friends can.

We talked alot about the state of the world and the state of us, as humans, in particular. We talked about other worlds, other realms, other dimensions. We talked about evolution, and how we, as humans, have essentially stopped evolving. The reason for this halt in the evolutionary chain is technology. We imagine we evolve through our technology, but we do not. Our technology evolves, and we measure ourselves through that evolution. We base our evolutionary thoughts not on what we can do, but on what our machines can do. And all the time, we, as the race of humanity, are not truly evolving. I know this is not true for each of us as individuals, but it is unfortunately true for us as a race.

We have become too material. I, too, am deeply affected; my deep-seated need to explore my inner self and move away from my high use of the technology that I have such frequent access to is offset by my enjoyment of using the technologies at my disposal. I find that when I spend time away from the technology, I don't really miss it at all. When I spent almost a week in Buffalo during October, my friends had a computer, and I didn't use it while I was there. I didn't have any urge to do so. Any time I spent a weekend with those who I have close energy or magical ties to, I find that I can live without the use of computers or high technology, but if its use is offered to me for enjoyment purposes, I am usually hard pressed to turn the offer down.

I do not wish for any sort of disaster by any means, but sometimes I long for a forced separation from the technological world we have built for ourselves. As I have said, I recently read "The Stand" again, and it hit me much harder this time than the last time I read it, and I think that was one of the big reasons why: when the plague wiped out 90% of earth's population, suddenly all that technology was nearly useless, except to those who had intimate knowledge of such things. But during that scenario, all the technology was still in place, "waiting around to be picked up again", as Glen Bateman said in the book. What we need is more than that. Our technology could help us to evolve, but only if we start applying it in different forms. I don't have complete ideas or any sort of answers for this, but these are my feelings, as I have written them here, and as I spoke them a few days ago.

Thoughts? You all know where to find me.

5/07/2003:
Had a good weekend. Went and saw the wonderfully talented and beautiful Smiffenpoofs sing at their spring jam up at Smith College. They are amazing, and did I mention beautiful?

Got to see Xmen 2 on Saturday. It was phenominal. I plan on seeing it again. I cannot even describe how good it is, and though most of you reading this have most likely seen it, I'm sure some have not, so I won't go into anything that might spoil it for you.

Some of the best news of all: I started my new schedule this week, and I'm really happy about it! Getting up a bit earlier is not too bad, though I am still getting used to it. Getting out at 8:30 is excellent! There's so much I will be able to do with my newfound time, though I haven't been doing anything just yet, except going home and playing UT2003 with my clan every night :)

Technical news: got my webserver up and running, so hopefully soon I will be transferring this page to my own box, which will be really nice. Just need to relocate the box first, as it is too loud to run all the time in my bedroom, and I would like my site to be up all the time, not just when I'm awake. Maybe I can make some room in the living room...

I know I had some other stuff to write about, but I cannot think of it just now. Will post if/when it comes back to me.

Page Update: Updated Link of the Now

4/30/2003:
Find myself drawing inward these past few days, studying myself, meditating on the things I see in my mind's eye. It is a somber time for me, but not unhappy. The things I see are inspiring; I only wish I could get them down on paper in a visual sort of way, but my art form is written words; however badly composed they may be at any given time, they are the way I express myself the best. I think I will try drawing again sometime soon, however. The mood has stricken me several times but I have not done anything. I think it is because of the frustrations felt in the past when trying to get something out of my head and onto paper, drawn the way I see it. For some reason my hand does not communicate well with my brain when it comes to such things. I wrote something last night, but I do not have access to it here. I will post it when I get home.

Tried to travel last night; did not get very far. Dreams came in a rush, as if a dam had broken. So many faces and places all at once, and I remembered so few on waking, but at least I remembered some. It has been many days since I have remembered enough even to write in the log I keep near my bed. I hope this is a recurring trend.

Watched 8 Mile last night for the first time. Good movie. Like to see a man face his fears, face the music, and become all he can.

Page Update: Updated Scribble

4/28/2003:
Weekend was really good. Spent friday evening and night with some new friends in Northampton. Walked around downtown, hung out at Bart's for awhile and had something to eat, then went to Faces to look at all the fun toys and novelty items. Spent the rest of the night hanging out and talking about stuff; got home at 3:30 am, hung out some more and...stuff :)

Also watched Requiem for a Dream for the first time. This movie is good, but it is also very depressing, as you watch people rip their lives apart. The movie also makes me even happier that I never got addicted to hard drugs like cocaine or heroine, because that is not a happy situation any way you look at it.

The day started off fine. Was fine when I was home and relaxing. Got to relax in the sun and read for awhile before work. Also, finally finished C&C: Renegade today. Haven't decided which of my older games I'm going to play through next. Maybe RTCW, maybe JK II. Started playing Zelda on NES, too.

So the day started off nicely, but now that I'm at work, it is quickly spiraling downward. It's not really anything specific; it's a bunch of little things that are annoying me. I'm sick of my work tools not acting like they should, and my work machine is annoying the hell out of me, because it's so goddamn slow. Plus, everything feels like an effort today. It feels like a tremendous effort to type (and I'm making tons of typos today), and talking is even more of an effort. I just want to go home and be silent and play my games. Too much to ask? Apparently so. And now coworkers are doing stupid shit that they are not supposed to be doing and it is annoying me. We have procedures for a reason! Follow them!

On the upside, only 4 more days (including today) of getting out at 1 am... Oh, how I cannot wait for that schedule change.

4/24/2003:
My new BIOS chip came in yesterday, complete with instructions to make sure I installed it properly, or it could overheat and burn itself out. As if I wasn't scared enough after a BIOS update gone bad... At any rate, the install went fine, and my computer is back up and running fine. Played some C&C: Renegade on it yesterday, and got some UT2003 in before work today, with clan members Famine and Hristaki.

Finally got to watch The Ring last night. It was creepy and disturbing and made me think, but it was not as scary as some thought it to be. Still a quality movie and I suggest seeing it if you haven't.

4/22/2003:
Today started off about the same as yesterday: feeling dazed and somewhat depressed, and my BIOS chip did not arrive. Things actually picked up for me at work. I feel like I've accomplished more today than I have in the past week. Got some updates done in our solutions databases, sent some emails out to have other things updated, and learned some new information. I think the last one is the big one; if I don't learn anything new in the day, I really don't feel that I accomplished all I could have. Also, finally got back to updating Linuxpup (my Linux box; name subject to change). Attempting to install GCC and Apache, but getting dependency errors. At least need to get GCC on there so I can compile. Will work on it when I can, but not a top priority.

Did get to speak with TempestMW last night about the dream realm / outer realm crossover. She confirmed my suspicions of yesterday: they are mostly one and the same. There are some outlying lands that are not part of the dream realm proper, but most of what I have been considering the "outer realms" are further extensions of the dream realm. That actually cleans things up considerably, especially when dealing with interplanar travel. Maybe I'll be able to make something useful out of the planar section of my page now.

Page Updates:
- Updated the Link of the Now and cleaned up the Previous Links of the Now.
- Added some more musical artists and video games to the Interests page.

4/21/2003:
Feeling dazed today. Just stumbling through, taking calls, giving answers, not really learning anything new even though there is so much to learn, in my job and otherwise. Taking a slew of calls from Chicago today, a market we are just starting to support, so there is alot of new information there. Feel like hiding, burying myself away for the day, not talking to anyone, just losing myself in my own thoughts. It's cold in here, so I have my hood up. It keeps me warm and lets me feel that I am more in my own world more than the one where my physical body resides.

"Go, then. There are other worlds than these." These words were spoken to Roland of Gilead by Jake in the Dark Tower series by Stephen King (I do not remember which book). The words came to me yesterday and I cannot get them out of my head. How true they are, how true, in a literal sense and otherwise. There are so many layers to this physical world alone that they can be seen as separate worlds all their own, let alone all the metaphysical and magical layers that exist (which are the ones that occupy my mind the most, but no surprise there, eh). Other worlds, other times, other places I have been in dreams and through astral travel. I need to travel more. I grow restless being on this plane alone. Need to divide my Self from myself, melt, flow, take to the air, and slip through a rift to another world. The gates shimmer sometimes on this plane; they look like the heat waves you see on the pavement when the sun has been beating down on it for hours.

Got to thinking about the dream realm a couple nights ago (may have been last night; my concept of time is not too good as of late). Perhaps I have been wrong in separating some of the worlds in my thoughts. The "otherworld realms" or "outer realms/planes" that I have traveled to. TempestMW and I were talking one time and she brought up some work we had done there, but she referred to our location during this time of work as the dream realm, but from my point of view, it was a place separate from the dream realm, and I disagreed with her on that point, saying that was not how it was presented to me. She didn't say much about it then, and perhaps it was because she knew I had to sort through it on my own - as that is how I am with alot of things - and I thank her for it now, though I am still not sure exactly how the layout of the worlds work. Perhaps it is best that I did not complete my planary writings on this page, as now they would have to be changed to reflect this new revelation. Being as I am still not sure exactly how to describe what I know in that respect, that section will still remain unfinished, until I can figure out how best to write it down.

The dream realm definitely affects the outer realms, but how I am not sure. And I don't know how much is affected, or how much contact the beings of one plane have with the beings of the other. Scary to think the war could be brought to our own dream realm, but it appears that is entirely possible. Considering how I slip from astral to dream, this starts to make more sense, and a whole lot less sense all at once. More stuff to think about. I'll catch TempestMW online at some point and ask her how she feels about the whole thing. Perhaps it will verify the knowledge I have; perhaps it will change it all over again. Will see, will see.

4/20/2003:

Wow, 10 days since an update. I really did mean to update last week, but never seemed to get to it. Traveled to Poughkeepsie 2 weekends ago. Had a good time there, as always, connecting with good friends and hanging out. Someone told me I was one of the nicest guys he knows. Never hurts to hear that. Spent quality time with the Amy-kitty; the kind of time we always talk about spending but never seem to. She will go away soon, traveling out west, and I wish her all the best in it, though I will miss her dearly. I will see her again before she goes.

Killed my main computer on Thursday of last week. USB hasn't been working at all. Tried driver updates and that didn't fix it, so decided on a BIOS update since I didn't have the latest version. Used a Winflash utility to flash the BIOS and now the computer doesn't post. New BIOS chip will hopefully arrive tomorrow, flashed with the latest update. I am never using a flash utility to flash the BIOS from within Windows again.

Thursday was not all bad. I met a girl who just moved in 2 doors down from me. I helped her move some stuff into her new place. She is friendly, cute, and single. Hopefully I can catch up with her again this week sometime, perhaps before I go to work for the day.

This past weekend was really good. Traveled east to Bolton, MA, to my cousin's house. Other family came down to visit as well, and we all had a good time. Played some Bocci (sp?) and shot some hoops. Spent quality time with young family members (two boys, one almost 2, the other 2 and 1/2), kicking little soccer balls around and playing hide-and-seek in the bushes around the yard. Was nice to spend time with family whom I do not get to see very often.

4/10/2003:

Have finally gotten around to learning more about the more formal magics, which I feel is a good step for me. Up until now, my practicing has been ragged at best, and I haven't stuck with any magical practice for more than a month or so. At the suggestion of a good friend, I have started with basic candle magic, to get a feel for basic colors and meanings, along with which colors are associated with what day, what astrological sign, etc. It is a good way for me to increase my knowledge and regulate the flow of energy within and outside, before I move on to more advanced subjects.

Up to this point, I have gathered alot of random magical knowledge about many different subjects, but I have not used much of that knowledge in actual practice. Now it is time for me to change that. I have been spending the week focusing energies and performing basic rituals. I will continue for a few weeks, and then will see how I feel. If I'm ready to move on, I will do so. I am looking forward greatly to this new practice, but I am keeping a firm hold and trying not to jump ahead too far too fast. So far, so good.

Page Update: Updated Scribble.

4/6/2003:
Had a good D&D session Thursday night. We haven't had any combat in my campaign for the past 2 sessions or so, and it has actually played out quite well. The story is progressing, and everyone is having a good time (which is the most important bit).

On Friday, Pete and I hit the mall for a bit, and I got to play Pump at the arcade. It's a dance game, where the steps are on the diagonals, plus it has a center step. I found it significantly harder to get used to than DDR, which I picked up quite quickly. After the mall, went home and played some games, then drove up to Northampton at midnight, and met Merideth and Sarah. We chatted and watched Lain (anime) for about 3 hours, then I went home. The drive up sucked, as it was raining/sleeting, but the drive home wasn't too bad at all, as the salt trucks had been out.

Saturday, I got up around 2 and decided I wasn't going anywhere that day. Was a good decision. I sat around in my pajamas all day, playing C&C: Generals and UT2003. Got a bit of reading done, too, and also watched the first half of Private Parts, so while it wasn't the most productive day ever, it was definitely relaxing, which is a good thing for a weekend to be.

I feel the stir of magic in me, wishing to be exercised, thought about, meditated on, and ultimately shaped to a purpose. Often lately my thoughts turn to the metaphysical, though I am lacking in focus. I shall work on that this week.

3/30/2003:
Another good weekend, this one spend in VT with my Mom, Dad, and sister, Meghan. Mom, Meghan and I went horseback riding on Friday, which was fun. I'm not used to it, though, so my back and butt are still a bit sore. We went and saw Dreamcatcher on Friday night. I read the book (by Stephen King), which was excellent, and the movie did a good job of living up to the book (as much as a movie can). On Saturday, we went out to brunch, then visted my grandparents for a little while, and got to see my uncle and cousin there. Afterwards, we went back home, where I helped Dad clean up the barn a bit (and got really wet in the rain, but it was a warm, summer-like rain, so I enjoyed it). After that, we all started in on a 1000-piece puzzle together, but I had to leave to come back home to MA before we could complete it.

Dreams have been jumbled and fairly random, and I only have fleeting memories of them when I wake. Had some powerful feelings come over me last night, while listening to track 3 of the soundtrack to Gladiator. They were animal, angelic, and warlike all at once. I could feel the weapon in my hands and the wind on my face as we sailed through the skies on those big black wings. But I had to pull myself back to here; it was not time to go yet. Soon it will be, but not yet.

3/25/2003:
Had a good weekend. Spent time in Marlboro with my Mom, Dad, and sister, and attended my Dad's drilling show out there, where he was representing North East Drill. Was nice to go to the show; it had been 7 years since I had been to one. Also nice to see family, of course. I will get to see them again this weekend, in a more relaxed (thankfully) environment, when I head up to VT.

Still working my way through The Dark God. Haven't been reading as much lately as I usually do. Been spending my reading time working on my D&D Campaign, working out some much-needed plot items.

Not much new for tech news, but in game news, I finally got around to finishing both the GLA and China campaigns in C&C: Generals. Haven't been doing much gaming lately, either. Tonight, will either be playing more Generals, or some UT2k3 with a couple of friends. Either would be fine with me :)

Finally finished watching Evangelion. Excellent anime. The ending was very...interesting. I plan on watching it again sometime in the near future, after working through some of the other cartoons and movies I have been accumulating.

Energy levels have been good over the past couple days. Think the warmer weather is definitely helping. Maybe someday I will even get time before work to sit outside and enjoy it for a bit.

3/19/2003:
Some good news! Light at the end of a long tunnel! As of May 3rd, I will move to midshift and will no longer be working nights! My new shift will be sunday - thursday, noon - 8:30. This can only help me. It will be better for my health, being on a more normal schedule. Plus, I might even be able to have a social life outside of work (wouldn't that be amazing). And I'll be able to more easily keep in contact with my out of state friends, as I will be getting home before they go to bed. And, still having fridays off, I can continue to play D&D on thursday nights :) Working midshift, I can still keep contact with my friends working 2nd shift, and also perhaps establish some contact with those working 1st shift. I'm so psyched :)

Started a new book a few days ago: The Dark God, by Nicholas R. Mann. It's an interesting book, but so far it is slow going. The author uses alot of descriptive words, all packed together, so I find myself reading the same passage several times before I absorb it all. It's already getting easier, now that I am more used to the style, but still slower than my normal reading pace. Sometimes feel that I am no longer reading; I am slogging through the mud, uphill, to overcome an obstacle. As long as it remains enjoyable, though, I will continue. I like getting dirty sometimes.

3/18/2003:
Emotions inside and no release. Feels kind of like depression, but it's not. Loneliness, made more extreme by last night's dreams, during which I was accompanied by someone very special, only to wake and find her not there. The feeling has haunted me for the entire day. Tonight, I wrote said girl a message. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a reply. Only tomorrow will tell.

Want to cry sometimes. Cannot.

3/16/2003:
Finally had a voluntary shift bid last week. I'm bidding on a sunday - thursday shift, noon - 8:30. Would be wonderful if I could get it. I think it would be great for me, getting back to a semi-normal schedule, for both health and social reasons. I will find out Tuesday if I get the shift or not, and it will go into effect in early May if I do get it. If not, I stay where I am, which is not terrible, but I am starting to get tired of it.

Had a good weekend. Spend Friday playing around with my computers. Got my FTP working again on my server, and hopefully that will be more stable this time around. However, the offset was that my Linux box died, acheiving "Primary Hard Disk Fail" on boot. I will take that apart sometime this week and see what I can do with it. Worse-case, it needs a new drive, and I happen to have an extra one. Friday night, went over to friend Sean's house, played a few games of Gran Turismo 3, then watched Ladyhawke.

On saturday, played some UT2k3 with my clan, and got really upset at Comcast for my crappy ping times (averaged 300 - 400 for most of my play time). There were a few good spots of around 100 ms, but overall it sucked. At least the game runs really well now on my upgraded machine :)

Saturday night, returned to Sean's to hang out with a larger group of people, chat, and of course play video games. Got to play some Barbarian on the PS2, and some SSX on the Gamecube. A good time, as always.

Made a new friend online over the weekend, as well. She lives close by, and is very nice to talk to. Helped make the weekend that much better :)

Is Spring finally upon us? It was so beautiful and warm out today (about 60 degrees, sunny, with a clear blue sky). Supposed to be the same tomorrow. I hope so. Need to melt away this snow and make way for the warm wetness that is Spring in New England.

3/9/2003:
Had a most excellent LAN-party weekend. 8 of my good friends came up to visit, and 6 of them brought their computers with them (Mark brought 2). A Playstation 2 and Gamecube were also donated to the gaming cause, so we had plenty of machines and games to go around. Also, my friend Sharon came up with Mark, which was a pleasant surprise, as I had not seen her since last summer. She didn't stay to game with us, but hung out for awhile friday night and again today before her and Mark left to drive back home.

We played 4 main games on the PC: C&C: Generals, C&C: Renegade, Warcraft III, and Starcraft.

Games played on the consoles included Eternal Darkness, Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven, and the necessary Super Smash Bros Melee.

Weekend was great, and I got a decent amount of sleep, but less than I am used to on the weekends, so I am quite tired today. Sundays are slow at work, though, so I should be able to make it through the day, and then sleep lots tonight, as I have no plans for tomorrow that would cause me to have to wake up earlier than 1. Even with my lack of sleep over the past 4 or 5 days, I am still feeling better than I was when I last posted. Stomach has been better over this past week, with less upset and less "burning" feeling. I am also more aware of my surroundings; I feel less dazed all the time. Maybe it is because the days have been sunny and I've actually gotten some sun and a bit of fresh air each day :)

Technical update: My main machine finally got an upgrade! I ordered some parts from newegg.com, and last week upgraded to a P4 2.4 GHz w/ 512 MB of PC2700 RAM (this update also included a new ECS mainboard and an Antec "TruePower" 330W power supply). The weekend's LAN party goodness was a great way to test out the upgraded system, and so far everything is running very nicely! :)

Technical update #2: I got my FTP server (Bulletproof 2.15) up and running on my secondary Win2k machine, and I am very happy about that. If you'd like a login, just shoot me an email and it shouldn't be a problem to create one for you.

2/26/2003:
I am living in a grey haze. One day melds into the next, and they all seem the same. Work, bits of play, sleep, bits of play, work, rinse, repeat. I cannot sleep a full night anymore. I sleep well for 5 - 6 hours, then wake, then sleep fitfully for the remainder of the morning. I am always tired and dragging. I feel like I need a vacation. Perhaps it's time I took one, but I'm not sure where I would like to go. The weekend is coming up, and I'm staying home and having a few friends over, so I'm hoping that will allow me to relax. I will definitely have a good time, but I will hopefully be more relaxed for next week, as well.

My stomach is acting up again, too. I continue to take my Prilosec, but every morning it still burns. Tums make me feel sick for some reason. I may have to find some other non-prescription acid reducers to supplement my little purple pills. About due for another doctor's visit, as I need to have my prescription renewed; maybe they'll have some good news for me, or something. Peanut butter is about the only thing that digests well, and I cannot live on that. Going to try for some pasta tonight, or maybe some grilled goat's cheese and vegetables. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully better than previous nights. Saturday night, I cooked up some pasta w/ buttered brocolli and garlic. It tasted so good, and should be good for me, but my stomach got all upset over it. Sometimes I get so frustrated over the whole situation.

The magnet treatment and herbal supplements aren't working as well this time around. Plus, come the end of the night, I'm so fatigued that I don't even want to take the time to tape them on; I just want to sleep. I need to start using them again, because they do help, and I need any help I can get right now.

In technical news, I got tired of my computer freezing up while trying to play games, so last night I formatted the main drive and reinstalled Win2000. Got most of my necessary applications installed today. Tonight, I'm going to reinstall a couple of games and see if they play any better on a clean install. I sure as hell hope they do. I could use some happy game time, away from this world. Not that I feel I'm living in it now, anyway; just kind of wandering through it in a daze. I've also been shopping around for an upgrade for my computer (processor/motherboard/ram). Will need to assess funds, then I'll see about ordering it. Was going to hold off a few weeks on ordering, but I may very well be ordering it sooner, now that I've been shopping around for it...

2/23/2003:
Had a wonderful weekend in NH. It was a magical time, as it always is when I spend time with Star, Brett, and River. River has started a drum circle at his church (of all places), and we attended that on Friday night. We drummed around a circular tapestry, which was decorated with live flowers, apples, 5 candles (1 for each direction / element + 1 for spirit), and a variety of instruments (drums, bells, and maracca-type items). It was my first time drumming in a circle, and it was amazing. River and I drummed well together, while Star trance-danced around the circle. A wonderful experience.

Now I need to pick up a drum somewhere. I would like to have one to practice on. Plus, I learned yesterday that one of my friends also drums, so I would have someone to play with, and that could be very cool.

Thoughtful lately. Thoughtful about life things, such as where I am and where I want to go. I still don't know where I want to go, but I am content where I am. I have some friends close by. My college friends and other friends live farther away, but at least I am equidistant to most of them, having 4 hours or less between myself and them, and that is not a bad jaunt for a weekend, though I do wish I could see all of them much more often.

Thoughtful about spiritual things as well. Spent the end of last week and the weekend pondering darker things, such that I am not sure I can put into words. I have many sides, and this is one of them. It is part of what makes me grey. I was in a book store yesterday, up in NH, and found a book called The Dark God: A Journey to the Underworld. It's a novel, as far as I can tell, written in the first person PoV. I am looking forward to reading it, and plan on it after I finish A Storm of Swords, the third book in George R. R. Martin's wonderful series A Song of Ice and Fire. At any rate, that book helped to push along the feelings of darkness (do not read: evil, as any who know me know that is not the case) within me, and I look forward to exploring it in more depth. If I can find the words, developments will be posted here.

In technology news, I recently purchased and installed 2 new hard drives in my primary and secondary machines: a new 40GB for my primary, and an 80GB for my secondary. Needless to say, this makes me very happy. In further happy news, I got my Linux box up and running (RedHat 7.2) and got SSH server installed, so now I can SSH into my box from work, and learn more about Linux during my downtime :)

2/17/2003:
It is very very snowy outside. There's probably 18" of snow on the ground at this point, and I'm at work. Driving in wasn't bad. Driving home may be a different story. I don't expect the main roads will be too terrible. However, I am thinking I may need to dig my own parking space when I get back to my apartment. Not looking forward to that, but will do what I have to do.

2/10/2003:
Was sick last tuesday - saturday, so not much to write about there. All the days blurred together, and now it's Monday and I feel better. Still have some sniffles, but biggest issue is my stomach. It's still feeling pretty icky, and seems unhappy with anything I feed it. As usual, can do peanut butter, but when I try to feed it anything else, including healthy things like carrots and broccoli, it gets all upset :-/

I feel lost. I don't really know where I am right now, and I surely have no idea where I want to go. I am content in my life, but I feel I am missing something. I realized last night that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have some things floating around that I would like to concentrate on, but they have not yet gained my focus. I have thoughts but can't put them to words.

Left a good friend a message last night. Think I confused her. May have confused me. Sometimes wish I wasn't so wordy in my messages. Sometimes seems I try to make things more elaborate than they are. English spoken language frustrates me alot, as I cannot find the words to say what I mean, so I put down a whole bunch of them, in the hopes they will form a coherent message to the reader.

2/02/2003:
Weekend was good. Spent time down in NY, hanging with friends. Went out friday night and hung out at Noah's for awhile, which was pretty cool. We nice to just relax and hang out with friends. Plus, I got to see a friend of mine, John, whom I never thought I'd see again (I used to fence with him). Back to the apartment later, had a little get-together with some other friends, and that was all good. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep as well as I'd hoped, so I spent most of Saturday feeling icky and taking lots of kitty naps. Was ok, as my hostess for the day was napping as well, so I didn't feel like a bad guest or anything. Was supposed to hang out with another friend while I was down there, but didn't get to call him until around 7, due to sleep, and he had already made plans to go out. Is ok. Would have liked to see him, but was still feeling a bit tired and didn't feel much like going anywhere anyway. Relaxed some more, helped move a small entertainment center, followed by more relaxing, then a good dinner (thank you) of buttered pasta and veggies (stomach had been feeling bad all day, so though I'd best take it light). Then had to drive home in the rain, fog, and wet snow, but I made it fine.

Big surprise: tired again today. At least stomach is feeling better. Was ok earlier; now I'm ready for a nap. Going to bed earlier tonight, I swear.

Curious as to where my roommate is. She wasn't home when I got there last night, and she hadn't come home yet when I got up to get ready for work today. Hopefully she will be there when I get home after work tonight. Sometimes I worry, perhaps needlessly.

It is thankfully quite slow here at work today, which is good, as I'm not much in the mood to interact with people today. Just feel like keeping to myself and my thoughts and doing my own thing. I'm doing my work when I have to, so can't see where it will be a problem. If you tried to interact with me today and I seemed not to be interested, it's not you, trust me. I just feel like being alone today. Last night, I wished for companionship; today I wish for solitude. That will probably change when I get home, though chatting is different than phone or in person. I don't mind typing; I just don't feel like speaking. It feels like it takes far too much energy to speak today.

So...sleepy. And still 2 hours to go. Ugh

2/01/2003:
Well that was just fucking great. Was in the middle of an update, and suddenly there was a power blip and both my machines rebooted.

Sometimes I hate being the only sober one at a party, mainly because I remember everything, every detail, when others have the convenience of being able to forget it; or even the convenience of saying that they don't remember anything that happened, and it's completely acceptable because they were drunk and these things happen. I'm not looking for excuses for my actions, by any means. I take responsibility for what I do. Sometimes I just wish that those I have spent time with remembered the evening as I do. Maybe it's better this way, in some twisted way. I don't fucking know. My brain is muddled and wallowing in stuff that I cannot even find the words to write. I'm going to bed, in the hopes that sleep will at least heal my aching body, if not my broken mind and emotional center.

I wish some of my loved ones didn't live so damn far away.

*sigh* I miss you already...

1/28/2003:
Did my good deed for the day yesterday. A co-worker's car wouldn't start when we got out of work last night, which I imagine was mostly due to the -5 degree weather we had. We tried jump-starting it, we tried pushing it and starting it, but it just wouldn't go, so I ended up giving him a ride home, to Hartford, which is a little over an hour out of my way, yet I find I didn't really mind all that much, which solidifies for me that I really am a good person. Yay!

On an entirely different note, I have returned to the online personals pages and have begun my search for a female companion, either a friend or more depending on the girl, of course. So far I've only sent 1 message out, maybe send a couple more tonight. I long for companionship, and would like to find someone to share my life with, in a relationship sort of way. We'll see how it goes. Life works in very strange ways.

On yet another side note, I am horribly addicted to Dragon Warrior 2 for the NES. My fighter is currently level 9, wielding a copper sword, wearing chain mail, and carrying a leather shield. My mage is level 7, wielding a club, wearing chain mail, and is also carrying a leather shield. He also has a small (so far) array of spells: Heal, Antidote, and Fireball (mmm...fire).

Page Update: Updated the Link of the Now

1/26/2003:
Had a good weekend at Jen's. Got to see several good friends there, hang out, and, of course, play video games. Plus Pete got to meet some of my college friends and overall I'd say it went well, if there were a few awkward moments (Yaco has a way of making people feel odd, especially upon just meeting him). Also, people are trying to make me play Everquest again. I am resolved not to do so. I have neither the money nor the time to put into that game. Another game, perhaps, another time.

In other news, the Dragonlord has been vanquished! Bleeding from many wounds (22 hp), I made a mighty slash with Erdrick's Sword, felling the foul creature. Peace has been restored to the land. Yay. Now, on to Dragon Warrior 2 :)

1/21/2003:
God damn long time since an update. I have been swamped at work more than I would have though possible a month ago, taking an average of 60 calls per day for the past few weeks. Needless to say, it is tiring and sometimes stressful, and I haven't made time to update at all.

2 weekends ago, I got to go to VT and do some really excellent snowmobiling. The snow in VT is better than in has been in probably 10 years, and it was wonderful snowmobiling. My Dad and I went out friday night for a few hours and it was great. Then, on Saturday, Dad, Oak, Kayla, Jim and I went out for about 4 or 5 hours, headed up to Middletown and broke the trail over towards West Rutland. It was a whole lot of fun. So much, in fact, that I called in and took a personal day at work so I could stay in VT and go snowmobiling for another 6 hours on Sunday. I was tired and sore by the time I got back to MA Sunday night, but it was soooo worth it.

Last weekend was Slobfest V! The usual crew got together for some LAN gaming, file sharing, and a ton of D&D. Jesse whipped up a very good evil campaign for us, and we had a blast. I played a Gnomish Necromancer, and was joined in my evildoing by a Halfing Rogue, specializing in poisons, a Dwarven Death Cleric, a Half-elven Anti-Paladin, and a Half-orc Druid and his wolverine animal companion. Over the course of the weekend, our crew of 5 decimated 75 NPCs! And we all survived :)

Been tired this week. Yesterday, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to the end of the workday. By 10:30 pm I was ready to pass out; if I closed my eyes I felt like I was falling. Tonight is much better, though I am still quite sleepy.

I still haven't gotten around to finishing Dragon Warrior yet. I need to gain another level or 2 before I can defeat the Dragonlord, and I get bored after a little while of wandering around and slaughtering monsters. I am going to try and play some tonight, because it still feels like unfinished business, and it needs to get done. I keep starting NES games and not finishing them, and I never used to be like that. I have a habit of starting other things and not following through with them, but I used to be real good at getting through my games. Now, I own probably 20 that I have never completed, and that's not including any of the NES or Genesis emulated games. Ah, well, games aren't the end of the world by any means, but makes me feel less of a gamer, which is less me in some way, even though in other ways it's some relief that I'm not as addicted to video games as I used to be.

In other news, reorganized my room a bit today, which I've been meaning to do for a week or so. Moved my lamp and reading material to my bureau, so I can turn my bedside table into an altar for burning incense and candles and working on my magics. It's the only place in the apartment right now that I can use for such things, and the new setup should work fine, as long as I can get enough light from my lamp to read by now. We'll see how it goes.

Page Update: Updated the Link of the Now

1/5/2003:
I had a really good Christmas. Spent 5 days in VT with family and friends. We got 20" of snow on Christmas day. It was awesome. Dad and I got to do some snowmobiling, and had a blast. I got some good stuff for Christmas: Linksys 4-port router, a new fleece, a new gray sweatshirt w/ fleece lining, 2 CD's (Dead Can Dance: A Passage in Time and the soundtrack to Princess Mononoke), LotR: Fellowship of the Ring, some books, plus some other items. And my sister got me a bamboo plant! I like that alot :)

The best thing about the holiday was being able to relax and spend time with friends and family alike. I got to see parents, sister, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. I got to see my friend Kaylee's new place in Burlington, and my friend Amy came up to visit and her, Jeff, and I got to go sledding and play in the snow. It was great!

The previous weekend, Jeff, Sarah and I went to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, and it kicked ass! I'd like to see it again sometime in the future. Had an opportunity to go last night, but I was just too damn tired.

Last weekend was good. Friday, Pete and I drove to CT in a blizzard and promptly got snowed in there for the night. I got to see some people I hadn't seen in awhile, and meet 2 new girls: Gabi, who lives there in CT, the other, whose name I don't know how to spell but it sounds like "Cheela", lives in Virginia (she was up visiting Gabi for the holidays). We got to talk and play cards and had a good time, but we were unable to go out anywhere because of the copious amounts of snow. I hope to go back and visit sometime soon :)

Page Updates:
-Updated the Link of the Now
-Added New Egg to hardware section of Links page.